Shit like this, people!  Shit like this…

This was tucked under my windshield wiper today.

Attached to the back was some nasal decongestant. ::swoon::

I probably would've picked the exact same card. Or something equally Jesusy.

All this because I have a yeast infection.

It’s amazing.  IT – IS – AMAZING.

The wait was worth it.  I can’t wait for you to meet him.

I got heartburn from the PB&J I had for lunch.  Dumb!

Baby Kitty is staring at me, waiting for me to pet him… he doesn’t understand that I’m typing pointlessness.

I should be hungry right now, but I’m not (hungry enough to cook).

I weighed myself today thinking that maybe I had gained some weight since I stopped weighing myself months ago… not so much!  Booyar!

I was pleased to find my bed made tonight.  I make it every morning.  It pleases me every night.

I came out to my car after a late night at work to find that the windows had been cleared of snow.  It reeked of boyfriend.  Apparently it was.  (Not mine.  I don’t have one of those)

The first night of drinking was weird.  I was nervous, excited… scared (having a dream a few nights ago about my first night of drinking being followed by murdering a couple of people at KT & Aaron’s didn’t help).  I felt like I was going to pee my pants with anticipation for the last 10 minutes of 2009.  Instead of kissing booze at midnight, I shared a kiss (triple kiss!) with Jenna and KT- my two best friends.  It was a wonderful way to start 2010.  On to booze…

The champagne that the High Noon handed out tasted like total ass- I should have brought my own little bottle of something.  Oh well.  Jenna bought me my first beer:  a PBR.  I was afraid of drinking a heavier beer because I didn’t want to get shit-housed.  So I just went with my old standard.  I am looking forward to better beer, MARGARITAS, good champagne, and other drinks now that I can have them.

Feeling the effects of alcohol for the first time in almost 400 days was strange, to say the least.  I felt out of practice and scared that I might get drunk at any second, so I took it really slow.  It was strange to still be so much in my head, yet now saying things that I would have thought before but not said.  Not even crass things necessarily… I just opened up a little more… said more without thinking… which I guess seems pretty obvious, but it was amazing how involuntary and instantaneous and lovely it was.  I like a social lubricant.  What can I say?

My crew and I skipped going out after hours; instead we headed back to KT’s to hang out.  I don’t think I could have handled being anymore social than I already had been.  Being slightly incapacitated was somewhat overwhelming and I didn’t want to have to deal with making small talk.  All in all, I got a bit tipsy and talky (it only took me 2.5 drinks to kick me into submission), but kept things completely under control.  It was a relatively smooth transition back into Boozeville.

Today was pretty sleepy and laid back- I sat around with KT and Aaron for a while before coming home for the evening.  It’s nice to be at home with my kittens, having a beer, sitting in my jammies and writing about goings-on.  2009 was a good year- definitely the best I’ve had in a while.

40 QUESTIONS FOR 2009

01. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Watch somebody throw away a pair of testicles.  Literally.

02. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes.  No.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Tina & Aja

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.

05. What countries did you visit?
I hate countries.

06. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A drink.

07. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 14th.  It was both one of the best days of my year, yet seemingly pointless in retrospect. Though suspending disbelief can be nice every once in a while.

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing 35 pounds.

09. What was your biggest failure?
Ethan.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Mental illness.  What’s new?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Shane’s Xmas present.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jenna’s.  She knows how to make someone feel loved.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
If you don’t have anything nice to say…

14. Where did most of your money go?
My landlord.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Bella.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
http://entirelytoo.tumblr.com/post/270679985/ching-chong-song-hesitated

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
hotter of colder? Hotter (looks-wise) & colder (personality-wise)
Fatter or thinner? Thinner!
more active or lazier? More active (tho lazy r people 2)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I’m not really big on regret… so… nothing.

20. How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?
With my lovely family.

21 is missing?

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yep.  It didn’t and doesn’t matter that it wasn’t reciprocated.

23. How many one-night stands?
I wish.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dex to the motherfucking ter.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Fortunately, no.

26. What was the best book you read?
I only read two books (I don’t have an attention span) and neither of them were that great.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
It wasn’t a big year for musical discovery.

28. What did you want and get?
Isolation.

29. What did you want and not get?
A good beating.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Drag Me to Hell

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Blah.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More sex.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Scrub club.

34. What kept you sane?
Not getting drunk.  Being surrounded by animals almost every day.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Dumb.

36. Who has made the most cameos in your dreams this year?
Booze.

37. Who did you miss?
Ethan

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn’t.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
I’ve been thinking about this for at least 15 minutes, and thinking is what I did NOT want to do tonight. I’ve got nothing.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I keep my distance from them.
As they try to pull me in.
But I’ve always done this before.
And patterns are hard to change.
And if I succeed, then what?
What will I owe to them?
I already owe them my uncovered heart. And I hope that’s what they’ll get.

And then there’s the gloomy prospect of failure, and I’ll let it in.
Just to give me some stable answers for wrong advantages taken.

Just know that I love you so.
And I’ll never do this again.

First of all- why?  Reasons upon reasons, people.  I spent a lot of 2008 in an unhealthy and tumultuous relationship that was only fueled by my excessive and emotional drinking.  It doesn’t help that I’m a highly sensitive, emotional person anyway– add alcohol to the mix, and you have one overly passionate lady.  Some people are into maintaining an existence like that.  I find it to be draining.  I received the last glob of shit thrown in my face from that relationship just 5 days before I stopped drinking and started turning things around for myself.  Coincidence? What the fuck do you think?  Starting off the year dating (a person I would soon find out was) a pathological liar didn’t help anything either, I suppose.  Mind-fucks to spare!

So there was that.  And there was getting tired of waking up in the morning feeling like shit (both physically and emotionally).  There was the fact that I was 30+ pounds overweight and was hating my body.  And that I had just gotten a wonderful job that I was extremely thankful for, and I didn’t want to fuck any of it up with late nights and morning booze breath.  There was a deep need to withdraw from everything.  There was a need to step away from some of my closest friendships and see where things stood.  There was me trying to set a good example for others.  There was me wanting to see just how much better/different my life would be without the booze.  And unlike all the other times I had told myself that I was going to take a break- this time it stuck.  Without question.

So it began.  Spent New Year’s Eve home alone, knowing that being around my partaking friends would be too difficult.  It was different, but it was fine; I was asleep by midnight.  I had a fantastic January birthday, surrounded by loving friends.  It certainly helped to have a secretly pregnant friend at the time who couldn’t drink to be my partner in sobriety.  I really would have liked to have a glass of champagne, but!  I didn’t.

The weeks and the months wore on.  I remember the most shocking thing being just how stuck in my head I was at all times.  Sure, I have anxiety issues anyway and tend to over-think everything- but this was ridiculous.  No fucking escape.  I had to face demons one by one instead of just pushing them down, like I had become accustomed to.  I’m doing that very thing to this day.  I’m not going to lie… it’s incredibly fucking hard.  But at least I’ve grown used to the fact that I’m here, in my head.  It’s not so foreign anymore.  The way time passed also changed.  Time seems to go a lot slower when you’re sober all the time.  I don’t know if it’s because you’re always in the same state of mind and one day just kind of blends into the next?  Not sure… but it took me about 7 months before it seemed normal.

I think one of the most difficult effects of not drinking has been my lack of motivation to be social a lot of the time.  I will gladly partake in daytime ventures, but it happens that most of the going-out-with-friends takes place at night, at bars.  Which aren’t very fun if you aren’t drunk.  No, really.  My ability to suffer fools is pretty low anyway- add sobriety, and I won’t even fucking bother going near the people.  This has resulted in alienating myself from many of my friends and anything remotely resembling a social life.  80% of the time I could give a shit.  The other 20% is spent remembering that I don’t really have much else to speak of… no family here, no stable partnership with a significant other, no nothin.  Yes, I have the occasional friend here and there, but when it comes down to it, I’m in this alone.  And that’s been a tough thing to realize.  And deal with.  Soberly.  Which is a word.  I looked it up.

I have dreams where I accidentally get drunk and then recall that I’ve accidentally gotten drunk all year- but in reality, controlling myself from slipping hasn’t been an issue.  I only lose self-control when I’m drunk… so… you know, problem solved?  And there have been a very small handful of times where I’ve wanted to break down and have a drink.  Giving up Ethan was one of them.  Nice summer evenings have been another.  Both good times and bad make me want to let loose and soften the edges of my thoughts for a bit.  I hold on and make it through, though.

I wish I could say that this year has brought infinite wisdom and clarity, but I can’t.  Right now I’m in a place that, while it isn’t that bad, it’s not that great.  I can say that my feet are definitely more firmly on the ground than they’ve been in a long, long time.  I’m very thankful for being able to keep my head above water throughout it all, and it’s good to be reminded every once in a while that being alone isn’t bad- it’s just different.  Choosing to not be where the party’s at all the time and making decisions for myself, while sometimes difficult, is better for my soul at the end of the day.  I need the silence and calm in order to grow.  I hope that’s the one lesson that sticks.

“This sucks. Your shares and comments make Reader fun. You should reconsider.”

“I am really sad you are done with google reader.”

“I will miss your shares.”

“You can keep sharing with me!  in fact, I’d be sad if you didn’t.”

“You need to come back to reader.  I miss your shares…”

That’s right, dicks- you miss me.  And rightfully so.  You can still get me right in your googie-reader (googie is the new cutesy way of say google, says me) if you RSS my tumblr feed.  Just click that lil’ orange RSS button up in the address bar.

So, here are the pros and cons of tumblr, because I’m sure you were fucking wondering.

Cons first:

• I miss some of your shares.  VERY FEW of them, though.

• I miss some of the social aspects.  VERY FEW of those, too.

• It was a tad easier to reshare things, and I don’t really share as much now because the prospect of having a “conversation” about the shares isn’t really a possibility anymore.  That was why I shared so much… and yet it’s why I quit sharing.  FUCKING IRONIC.  In conclusion, you miss out.

PROS:

• The energy I used to expend in Commentland (for whatever reason) is now being rerouted to furious rounds of masturbation.  My genitals are raw.

• I’m even less connected.  I am a fan.

• No daily reminders that Onion Ass still exists.  Honestly, that’s been one of the bigger benefits of leaving.

• Microblogging that isn’t the twatter.

• The occasional porns.  Behind cuts.  You’re welcome.

Point is, I’m not coming back.  No matter how much a few of you have absolutely made me feel loved and missed and important to your daily (internet) existence.  Which, btw… has meant a lot to me.  I don’t get a lot of the whole “feeling valued” thing in my life- so I’ll take it in whatever form it comes.   I’ll take that and spankings.  And free drugs.  And how.

There were cookies and the most delicious cake (I’ve probably ever eaten) at work today.  I grabbed a cookie for you, so I hope I see you soon.

I got an apology in my inbox… I didn’t want it or need it.  Nothing will ever make that series of events okay.

I surprised my dad with a present.  It was so wonderful to hear his happiness over the phone.

Two deaths in a row at work today.  One sobbing couple took their Retriever into an exam room, and as that door closed, another door opened and a sobbing family left their beloved Labrador behind.  Heavy chills throughout my body.  Tears that I couldn’t avoid.

I got mail from my niece who’s in 5th grade in Iowa.  She spelled my name ‘Megen’.  She is selling magazines to raise money for her school.  On the form letter she wrote “P.S.  I love your hair. Please help the school!”… I bought a subscription to ‘Reminisce’.  I sent her back the enclosed postcard, letting her know that I had bought something.  I added a fart cloud to the pre-drawn bear on the postcard.  I know it will make her and my nephew laugh.  <3 <3 <3

Now I’m drinking cranberry juice, listening to Opeth (hi Beth!), about to watch Dexter.  I’ll sleep well tonight and late tomorrow.  My weekend is my own.

I done got a tumblr.

But Megan (you say), Why not just keep using Google Reader?

1) Because Google Reader’s Vinegar-Dick & I broke up.

2) Suck it.

3) I can post on this as much as I want and not have to feel like I’m filtering/limiting/censoring my posts.

4) I really didn’t care about any of your shares anyway. Okay, maybe 3 of you.

5) If I don’t do something, Eric Finnin is going to kill me for emailing him everything ever.

6) I won’t feel bad bringing the dirty.

Bye friends!  I’ll see you in real life!  (Or you know, email) (Or chat) (Or text)  Miss you already! (but not really!) Pretend you care! (but don’t!)

<3 Megan